Question of the Week: Can Marital Sex be Sinful? Part III

by Anne Lang Bundy

Is pornography adultery?
~ Anonymous
Am I obligated to sleep with a spouse who I do not think loves me anymore and is just using me for sex?
~ Anonymous


These were submitted as two separate questions. Both might receive a simple 'yes' based on Matthew 5:28 and 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. But addressing sin in context of marital sex deserves far more depth, and three posts are planned to offer some answers:

Part I: Sexual Immorality, Unique Sin
Part II: Sex Drive, Unique Motivation
Part III: Sexual Contrasts, Unique Solution

: : :

SEXUAL CONTRASTS, UNIQUE SOLUTION

"In a relationship conflict,
crying is often a woman's response to feeling unloved,
and anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected."
~ Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Love and Respect Ministries, Inc.

Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
~ Ephesians 5:33 (NKJV)

The same contrasts between a man and woman which cause differences also have potential to bring distinction to their relationship.

The entire fifth chapter of Ephesians weaves back and forth in discussion of union between the believer with the Spirit, between a man and wife, between Christ and His bride. Paul blurs the lines throughout the section, so that all he says may be applied to marriages both spiritual and human. He ends on the emphatic point of love and respect—Greek agapaō and phobeō.

This verb phobeō (from which we derive the noun "phobia") is translated "fear" every other time it appears in the Bible. There is only one reason to justify the deviation of most translations, which render this verb as "respect" rather than "fear" in this exceptional verse.

Here, phobeō is coupled with love.

Men must be respected by their wives, or they will not feel loved. If a man thinks his wife does not convey respect—whether in her assessment of his judgments and capabilities, or by her words spoken to him and about him—he will not feel loved, and he will have difficulty conveying love to her. She may even think she intends respect, but what will matter to him is what he perceives.

Likewise, regardless of how a man actually feels about his wife, a woman who feels unloved will not only be utterly crushed, but will also have some difficulty showing her husband respect in a way which is meaningful to him.

Few things are as vulnerable as a man’s ego and a woman's heart.

The bedroom has more potential than anywhere else as a place for love and respect to be displayed or denied. Here, where a man and woman are most vulnerable and exposed, a marriage may be bonded or broken.

The man who wants a wife to respect his judgment and capabilities anywhere else will first demonstrate them here. When he unlocks her emotions with his love and tenderness, he finds the key to her passions and responsiveness.

If a woman struggles to show respect to a husband she feels unworthy of it, even that must be communicated with respect. If she would invite him to love her unconditionally, she will respect him unconditionally.

The soul of a man's ego and a woman's heart are where they are most easily injured—or where they find most exquisite delight.

When sin and immorality and injury persist via sex, without repentance, marriage breaks down.

When love and respect flourish via marital sex, they will likely bloom throughout the marriage—with her as his most passionate champion, him as her most devoted lover.

: : :

For more on love and respect, see "For Guys Only."

What questions do you have about Christianity or the Bible? You're invited to leave them in the comments below (anonymous questions welcome), or email buildingHisbody [plus] @ gmail.com

© 2010, Anne Lang Bundy, all rights reserved.

Question of the Week: Can Marital Sex be Sinful? Part II

by Anne Lang Bundy

Is pornography adultery?
~ Anonymous
Am I obligated to sleep with a spouse who I do not think loves me anymore and is just using me for sex?
~ Anonymous


These were submitted as two separate questions. Both might receive a simple 'yes' based on Matthew 5:28 and 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. But addressing sin in context of marital sex deserves far more depth, and three posts are planned to offer some answers:

Part I: Sexual Immorality, Unique Sin
Part II: Sex Drive, Unique Motivation
Part III: Sexual Contrasts, Unique Solution

: : :

PART II: SEX DRIVE, UNIQUE MOTIVATION

"In real love you want the other person's good.
In romantic love, you want the other person."
~ Margaret Chase Smith

Once upon a time, in a world without sin, the Creator gave woman to man as a companion. In all creation, she alone was like him, and yet she was wholly different. Their ideal lives had nothing to challenge unconditional love for each other.

Then sin came into the picture. Agonizing toil and labor would now consume both the man and woman in their respective occupations, and newfound self-centeredness would forevermore put their relationship in continual jeopardy.

Little might compel a man and woman to unite if the Creator did not also give the man a fight-to-the-death sex drive and the woman a drive for relationship ("your desire shall be for your husband"—Genesis 3:16). While there is no doubt that men were also created for relationship, and women were also created to enjoy sex, it's generally understood that most men are more driven toward physical satisfaction and most women are more driven toward emotional satisfaction. *

Ideally, each partner prompts the other to find both kinds of satisfaction in sexual intimacy—the Creator's super glue to permanently bond together two otherwise ill-fitting creatures in the institution of marriage.

Super glue is interesting stuff. It is reputed to create a bond stronger than the materials it unites. It forms that bond with incredible speed. And if not used with sufficient care, it will bond things not meant to be bonded, or otherwise cause damage.

The same is true of sexual intimacy. Blog host Russell Holloway noted in his comment last week that sex has recreational and procreational components, but is most importantly a form of communication. Sexual intimacy creates a unique vulnerability and opens channels of communication in marriage which can strengthen it as nothing else. If intimacy includes immorality, sexual intimacy can also injure a marriage as nothing else.

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
~ 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 (NKJV)

It’s been said that women learn to fake pleasure and men learn to fake relationship.

Dishonesty and vulnerability are a dangerous mix.

Faking might seem preferable to facing how weak the marriage is. Indulgence of sexual immorality might look like a way to revive the sexual bond of marriage. But sin can never deliver on what it promises. What it does always deliver is consequences greater than its fleeting pleasure.

Not-faking might seem an adequate excuse to avoid sexual intimacy. But frustrated desire—whether a man's physical desire or a woman's emotional desire—makes a person vulnerable to seeking some manner of satisfaction outside of marriage, and is a recipe for marriage failure.

God’s Spirit provides another, better option, to be examined next week.

~ ~ ~

* Paul mentions that for the sake of God's kingdom, the Holy Spirit gives some people a gift to appreciate celibacy (1 Corinthians 7:7-9;32-34).

: : :

For more on the consequences of sexual immorality, see "For Beauty, If She is Listening."

What questions do you have about Christianity or the Bible? You're invited to leave them in the comments below (anonymous questions welcome), or email buildingHisbody [plus] @ gmail.com.

© 2010 Anne Lang Bundy, all rights reserved.
Image source: homepages.ius.edu

Question of the Week: Can Marital Sex be Sinful? Part I

by Anne Lang Bundy


1. Is pornography adultery?
~ Anonymous
2. Am I obligated to sleep with a spouse who I do not think loves me anymore and is just using me for sex?
~ Anonymous

These were submitted as two separate questions. Both might receive a simple 'yes' based on Matthew 5:28 and 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. But addressing sin in context of marital sex deserves far more depth, and three posts are planned to offer some answers:

Part I: Sexual Immorality, Unique Sin
Part II: Sex Drive, Unique Motivation
Part III: Sexual Contrasts, Unique Solution

: : :

PART I: SEXUAL IMMORALITY, UNIQUE SIN

"What makes pornography so addictive
is that more than anything else in a lost man's life,
it makes him feel like a man
without ever requiring a thing of him."
~ John Eldredge, from Wild at Heart

(To provide full explanations, today's post includes full biblical texts rather than the usual links.)

Jesus unequivocally defined lust as the sin of adultery. Perhaps He anticipated an argument that lust is inescapable—a person can’t help where the eye looks and what is then compelled of the hand—because He went on to address such rationale. Here is the complete text:

"You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell."
~ Matthew 5:27-30 (NKJV)

The context of sexual immorality continues into the verses which immediately follow:

"Furthermore it has been said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery."
~ Matthew 5:31-32 (NKJV)

Thoroughly despicable to the Jews, adultery carried the death penalty. Jesus pointed out that a divorced woman was compelled to seek another man for support, and He declared a man who commits divorce as guilty of complicity to resulting adultery—unless his wife gave him sufficient grounds for divorce. Jesus didn’t specify grounds for divorce as adultery (Greek moicheia). He instead spoke of sexual immorality (Greek porneia), a broader sin which includes adultery. Jesus affirms permanency of marriage—and how intolerable sexual immorality in marriage is.

Paul describes sexual immorality as a unique sin because of the way sex unites one person, body and soul, to another. He uses this principle to point out that God's Spirit unites Himself to our bodies, and our bodies are to honor that Spirit:

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For "The two," He says, "shall become one flesh." But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.
~ 1 Corinthians 6:15-20 (NKJV)

We generally think of pornography as a visual temptation which indulges men to lust. But pornography can include images, audio, or text, whether explicit or evocative. It may tempt a man or a woman, married or single. It may tempt indulgence of physical lust or emotional lust. Pornography sabotages marriage, both present and future, and cannot be separated from the lust which violates the commandment, "You shall not commit adultery."

Such lust is only one aspect of sexual immorality, which violates a higher commandment. Because it degrades our bodies, which serve as dwelling place for the Holy Spirit, sexual immorality sabotages efforts to love the Lord our God with all our soul, heart, mind, body.

: : :

For more on defining sin, see "Is It Wrong?"

For more on divorce and the sanctity of marriage, see "What is Marriage?"

What questions do you have about Christianity or the Bible? You're invited to leave them in the comments below (anonymous questions welcome), or email buildingHisbody [plus] @ gmail.com.

© 2010 Anne Lang Bundy, all rights reserved.